Monday, February 16, 2009

LAME ATTEMPT AT A COMEBACK! (of cheesecakes and Barack, shoes and FaceBook, Chuck Bass and the new man in my life)



It's been two years since I wrote on this blog! TWO YEARS! WOW!

I wish there was some solid reason I could give for stopping. How maybe in the last 23 months I have had time for quiet introspection and the eyes of my soul opened up and I have now reached a plain where I am above all others with a stick so far up my ass that if you look into my eyeballs you can see the branches... but NO!

I just stopped writing... maybe it was something in the cheesecake...hmm come to think of it I went back for that cheesecake for the first time in 2 years last week to celebrate yet again the beginning of ANOTHER diet (why all women celebrate the beginning of a weight loss program with adding another at least 5 lbs to the existing "problem", we will never know)It's a bitch especially if you never start cos you keep postponing till "next Monday" (lol) Now you're 5 lbs worse off.

So!!! Let's play catch up!

In the time I've been gone I figure people have stopped reading so this is for my one FAN who made me get on my computer today and write.

So... the biggest news ever! My baby daddy is now ruler of the free world. GO BARACK! There is nothing like the feeling that was in the air in that moment. I was there for the elections but not for the inauguration but it is a remarkable and beautiful thing.

2) I went on a successful weight loss plan. Worked my ass off (literally). Had a trainer and everything. Looked fabulous and then decided it wasn't me and gained it all back... and then some lol Seriously which is why I'm back on another training program but this time it's not a vanity thing, more like a death thing.
My FEET got FAT!!!!!!! And I will die the next time I walk into Jimmy Choo and ask for a pair of shoes and I can't zip them up (I'll put up a picture of the shoes with the post) I broke down in the store and gave the sales guy some excuse about my feet still been swollen from the 10 hour flight **side eye**

On the real though I don't want to die. Adult on-set diabetes, heart failure, cholestrol problems just to name a few.

Images of me in a Size 8 Nicole Miller sheath dress also help me kick up that incline on the treadmill.

3) I GOT MARRIED!!!!! to my blackberry. I figure anything that you touch so much, sleeps in your bed every night, goes to the bathroom with you, and shuts down when you need it the most is close enough to a husband (HA!) I don't know what my life would be without my blackberry at this point. I just can't imagine it. It changed my life.
The fact that I can now GOOGLE about a thousand more times than I used to in a day? Is like... (there are no words).

4) Everyone I know IS married or about to be married. Even my closest friends Bey & Jay got married (I'm happy for her because it would have been weird to put out a single with the chorus "IF U LIKED IT THEN U SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT") I would have had to be like "glass houses and stones Bey, glass houses and stones".

Back to this, I have ONE single friend left. IF she calls and tells me she is engaged I have decided a mail-order bridegroom from Eastern Europe or the Middle East is the way. I haven't quite figured out the specifics of my ad but my selling point is definitely..."WANT AMERICAN PASSPORT??"

5) I'm auditioning for the sequel of the movie '27 dresses' since Katherine Heigel got married at the end (?) I dunno I didn't make it to the end... I slept. But I am using this avenue to let everyone know I will no longer; after the 2 MORE weddings this year, be a bridesmaid for anyone. I will be ANYTHING you want me to be but I will not wear anymore dresses I can never wear again, stand and hold a smile in a line with my clones, be forced to wear colors that don't even exist on the color wheel. I LOVE YA! I'm happy for ya! Come on! what is raspberry plum if not pink? What is apricot if not orange or peach?, and WTF is chartreuse? It's 50% green and 50% yellow? WHAT THE HELL? Only two things I know green and yellow look good on is a banana and an iguana.

I respect every girl's dream to be the center of attention on her day and have all the frills and thrills that come with the excitement of a wedding. I don't get it but I respect it. I can't imagine it but I respect it. When and if I do get married, the only thing people will be inconvenienced with is hearing the post-wedding announcement.

6) I have got to be the biggest GOSSIP GIRL FAN! I am taken with Chuck Bass. As a matter of fact I have only been attracted to Chuck Basses all my life. It is amazing to see your dating history in one man. Emotionally stunted and unavailable men, dark, brooding, don't ever want to be touched, not rule bound! Every character on Gossip Girl pales in comparison to Chuck Bass. He is the man of my dreams and reality.

7) The Sex and the city movie! NUFF said! We are a go go for a sequel.

8) Facebook OMG! How could I forget FB. I don't participate much but here's the thing; all human beings have it in them to be voyeurs. We can't help looking at what we know we shouldn't be looking at. That's all I'm saying.

So there it is, here I am. Still fickle, still a slave to fashion, still love to write, this will still not be a sounding board for general and grand pronouncements about society and all that is wrong with the world, for that watch CNN, BBC, and ALJAZEERA.

However I am still taking the hard road on my journey to self-discovery. It's not good for my soles but it works wonders for my soul ☺

**Dedicated to you who lights a fire in my heart and under my ass! HA! HA!

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

SPREAD THE WORD...

Yesterday was pretty uneventful for the most part except for the usual humdrum routine of work.
At about say 6-ish everything changed! Thanks to Bisbis.
I was ready to call it a day when she came through and asked me to tag along to BONZAI. Everyone's heard of BONZAI... if you haven't, it's a Japanese restaurant in Lagos.
Well... I didn't need much convincing since I'd been feenin' for some sushi.. Bisbis doesn't understand that... but if u don't understand the pleasures of raw/halfcooked fish, you'll never.
Which brings me to my story. She was going for the "cheese-cake". I didn't even know Bonzai had cheesecake. It's not on their take-out menu. I was clearly interested since cake is like my favorite thing, except for the "creative & artistic" cakes i.e. cake that contains things that I don't feel belong in cake, things like raisins, fruit or a whole fruit salad, cake that is barely cake, cake that does not taste like cake then they give it fancy names like gateau (whatever!!!) Give me good old fashioned pound cake and some cheese cake & I'm good to go!
So we get there, I order sushi, she orders her food. We get done... so time for dessert! I wasn't really expecting much as I've had some rather funky experiences with dessert in Nigeria. I've had brownies made with MILO, cheesecake that tasted like sawdust (you get the picture).
They bring out the "cheese cake" and I break off a piece with my spoon and OOHH MY GOD!
I swear on everything I own, I almost passed out! This..this..this... thing was out of this world... delicious.
First thing I did was ask the waiter to give me one to go (to share with the folks at home), then I sat back and enjoyed this cheesecake.
I've had cheesecake in some pretty nice places in my time and this is the best cheesecake I have ever had.
PLEASE GO! Have the cheesecake! I want feedback.
I'm thinking of starting a fan club.
That s#*t is so good that I promise if you don't like it, I will give you your money back (and I mean it!!!)

P.S. I'm not to be held responsible for wobbly bits that develop as a result of an addiction to said recommended cheesecake. This cheesecake is not to be consumed excessively as it may cause severe public displays of orgasmic sensations.
Eat wisely!!!

Friday, March 02, 2007

JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T GET THE MEMO...

...that we are a third world country, here's our "new and rebranded" money to dispell any doubts that you had that we aren't!


EEEKK!!!
You can't tell from the picture but the 20 naira note is 'indestructible'. It's made of some polymer or something, you can't tear it or scrunch it up. The others are good ol' paper.
Way to go Einsteins! The way to make sure your money lasts is to make it out of non-biodegradeable material that will outlive even cockroaches.
Hey! when we all wither and die because we've exhausted all energy sources and run out of breathable oxygen, at least there'll be something here to remind the next civilization that NIGERIA WUZ HERE!
Lol!

Monday, February 26, 2007

Sunday, February 25, 2007

ACHEY BREAKY HEART

I have been nursing a broken heart.
It's not easy to be in a relationship and then have the rug swept from under your feet.
You think you're on course and you can't imagine the heartbreak when you find out someone you've given yourself to unconditionally has decided to be with someone else.
Words cannot describe the miserable feeling, the darkness I find myself engulfed in.
My heart aches so badly my body hurts.
How could I give you my years, my heart... everything and you have the nerve to leave me for an older woman???
She ain't even cute! For God's sake she's the help!!!
What were you thinking? What have you done?
Somebody please tell me I'm dreaming, this is not real, please let me out of this nightmare.
I accepted the first senior citizen, the second crack-head senior citizen, but now you've stepped it up a notch and given this one a ring. I HATE YOU SO MUCH RITE NOW I CAN'T BEAR TO LISTEN TO THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE...
I can't bear to whisper your name... I don't even want to hear it.
USHER!!! Give me back my heart! You don't deserve it! You and your 37 year old, mother of 3 can go ..... (You were always so addicted to drama... baby mama drama, psychotic cell phone throwing beeyotch drama)
I'm done stalking you!

P.S. Boris baby if you're reading this, I am now yours totally, absolutely, 110%, unadulterated, fully committed to you BOO!!!

Friday, January 26, 2007

I'M ANCIENT!!!

My niece called me yesterday nite from boarding school in England. She’s not allowed to have a cell phone in school neither is she allowed to use it after hours but I guess that doesn’t count when you’ve spent all your pocket money and neither my sister or “Grandma” (my mom) “understand”. Therefore I will “understand” since it wasn’t too long ago I was in the same shoes.
So I agree to get some money to her after all I am and always have been the “cool aunty”.
We move on and she goes “Sooo… have you decided you’re going to get married now? You know you’re already behind schedule”!!!!
Bells went off in my head. I was like WTF??!! Do u mean by I’m behind schedule? (YES I cuss at my nieces! They LUV IT! Lol)
She goes on to explain how by the time she is my age she’ll have her first child and be flying around the world in her husband’s private jet!
Oh to be young and foolish again lol
We get off the phone, and I stopped and thought to myself “When did I stop been the youngest in my family?” “When did I stop been the baby that money had to be wired to?” More importantly, When did I stop crying to any and everybody about how I’m miserable therefore needed * cough *ticket money * cough * for Xmas so as to be around FRIENDS & family in Lagos to feel better. Now its “Oh aren’t you taking a vacation this year? - “Yes mommy I am thinking about it”- “Ok let me know where you plan to go once you’ve finalized your plans, you know you’ve always been independent” (UHN??? Since when???)

My other niece (her younger sister) goes to the secondary school I went. On Sunday evening, I noticed she hadn’t woven her hair, so I asked if she was going to school tomorrow. She goes “Gosh, Aunty have you forgotten? Seniors don’t weave their hair!” I’m like “WHEN did u become a senior?” These were kids that I carried on the first day they were each born!
Now wish lists have gone from Barbie’s to IPods, the new Nokia phone and money, money, money.

These are texts I’ve gotten from my niece below.
Darling auntie, please can you send me credit, thanks BABE! Luv u (When I saw that I was like, ARE u allowed to call me that? BABE!!! I was put on PHONE BAN back in the NITEL days and now at 13 you have a cell phone?)
“Auntie I’m going to the movies with my friends, can I borrow some earrings? plllleeeeaaassseeee” Luv u
Hi Aunt, stopped by the house, you weren’t home. Just wanted to tell you I took your Vogue & InStyle magz, I’ll bring them bk. Luv u
Auntie M are you watching E? Beyonce is on and she looks fabulous!
Auntie I need to go to The Palms on Saturday and mummy said NO! Can you pls tell her you’re taking me and come & pick me plssss.. all my friends are going too.

Lately, it seems everywhere around me there’s a constant reminder of my yester-years (urgh I hate that word)
When I tell people my age now I don’t hear “Oh you’re still a baby” anymore.
I’ve noticed laughter lines on my face, I’m considering adding anti-ageing cream to my beauty regimen because they say the earlier you start the better. There are these lines on my forehead that didn’t used to be there before. Suddenly BOTOX and Restalin are beginning to make sense. I might have to look into those the next time I take a trip.
I’ve even considered putting my non-existent kids on the wait list for St. Saviours (apparently there’s a 2 year wait list) these are kids I don’t even want. I’ve seen what pregnancy does to bodies, why would anyone voluntarily do that to them self?
I can no longer party all weekend and stay up all day at work. My body never used to shut down. Now I sleep for 5 hours and I feel like the living dead all day.

People, I am having a melt down!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

PHENOMENAL WOMAN '07- Jenny from the Block!



Jennifer Hudson is an OSCAR NOMINEE!!!!
I remember J-Hud (lol) on American Idol... so full of life with such a big voice and personality for days.
She won the People's Choice Awards, she got the Golden Globe, could she cinch the Oscar? Cate Blanchett already lost to her at the Globes and she seems to me to be the only obstacle in her way at the Oscars in her category.
I haven't seen Dreamgirls so I don't know if it's Oscar worthy but I am so excited for her.
She was always so positive when Simon shut her down on AI and was bummed when she got voted off.
I guess this goes to show that what my god-mother Oprah says is very true... God can dream a bigger dream for you than you could ever imagine.
Who would have thought? She wasn't even an actress. She was just a struggling singer trying to get a record deal.
Her achievements thus far have left anything any AI winner has achieved in the dust... shoo it's left most bonafide celebrities not even able to see her brake lights.
You go girl!


You know you've made it when Prada will make you the same dress Gwyneth Paltrow is wearing...